One week till my competition

I have one week left to go until my NPC Bikini competition which means PEAK WEEK!  Thats where there is NO snacking what so ever! So stevia, salt, flavorings, spices nothing for one week!  The real mental shit starts to come out of the closet now.

I've been posing every week for the last few months and I have my suits ready, shoes, jewelry, hair, makeup and Spray Tan Specialist all set.  Registered for my NPC card and entered into show so now it's just dieting and waiting patiently.

I mean, I've come this far but all in all, I have so been enjoying my experience learning about myself and picking myself up from where I was 2 years ago.

Things I have been realized about myself is how codependent I am and how I turn to everyone around me to help me.  This is not something I'm proud to say but I am learning how to have real confidence on my own knowing that by becoming stronger inside and than I can benefit by not allowing other cognitive behaviors like anxiety and depression set in.

The confidence part is way deeper than it looks and it is going to take a lot more work to get to where I need to be but in the meantime, body building has catapulted me into a world I only dreamed of.

The life of feeling appreciated and respected and having the comforted feeling of being in a Fitness Team. Feeling the sense of belonging and having a talent that I worked so hard for finally be recognized and acknowledged makes me feel like I am on top of the world.  And now, I can feel that nothing physically can hold me back to feeling insecure about my body. So again, now it's all mental shit from here on out.

I hate to bring out all the baggage but most of my insecurities come from being a child and not receiving the love and attention that I craved for.  My parents split up and boy did that put me in a shitty state of mind for a long time.  Not having any real direction while growing up and being extremely rebellious, this lead to a lot of bad decisions and living a dangerous life while thinking that my parents were going to come around and save me one day.

I did everything bad under the book to get my parents to wake up and be there for me not to realize that I needed to be there for myself to begin with.  Almost thinking that the more wrong I did then the more love they would finally give me.  But in the end, the more trouble I got into, the more I realized they really didn't care and that my record was fucked up.  Both of my parents at the time were finding who they were in the world and both were late bloomers, just like me!

So in spite of my bad lifestyle choices I have regained my strength as an individual to be proud of who I am and as a person in society I feel amazing that I am doing good for the community and am bringing the best me to the table for me and only me.

 So back to the competition and my mindset...I gotta let all of the past go.  I gotta get all the anger out from my parents that may be holding me back.  Funny thing is, I can't tell them this in person but only say it to myself.  And until I realize that allowing myself to believe that I'm worth all the happiness in the world and freely accepting that, then there will be things in my head that hold me back from doing the real things that I want in life.