My New Reality

Every night before I go to bed and every morning when I wake up my sister Christine is on my mind.  I keep seeing the same image of her face right before she took her last breath and I'm having a hard time getting this harsh image out of my head.

I had never seen someone die before let alone see my own sister be the first sight of death for me and that has literally been stapled in my mind.

I keep thinking about how it wasn't easy of her to pass.  She was fighting so hard to live till the very end.  Not wanting to face the reality that dying was going to happen to her, she fought so hard in her head to not face the truth.  She literally did not want to face it at all until it was right in front of her and she had no choice but to accept to go to the other side.

Every morning I wake up wondering what am I supposed to do with my life now?  I've lived everyday having her as my anchor and now, I'm in so much pain everyday missing her and the feeling of family in general that I find myself lost at times wondering, where is my Family?

Lost wondering what the hell am I supposed to do with all this pain and loneliness?  How am I going to function my life in this much pain and not be a total mess?  Having friends and even my boyfriend will never fill that void or give me the same feeling that Christine gave me.  I'm almost searching for that feeling she gave me like I'm lost.

Not knowing what to do or where to turn I do think I need to talk to a professional to get some help.  These images of her dying my head are really starting to show me that my depression just loves all of this.  Trust me, I don't want to be depressed and I don't want to be negative.  So I'm trying everything positive "under the sun" to try and make the day a little brighter.

  Both my Parents are dealing with their own pain losing a daughter so I get it if there both in their grief period and need their alone time just like me.  But when it comes to the reality that they have only 1 daughter left.  I think my Mom's love has grown for me more but my Dad's love slowly is starting to dim away.

I understand we all grieve differently but again it's hard enough losing your sibling and now dealing with the dysfunction of feeling like you're losing touch with one of your parents also really hurts.  But, this is my new realty and it is up to me to create my life.  I'm very much hard on myself all the time and right now more than ever, I've dedicated myself to not give up on being happy and to find a way out of this.  I know one day I'll be able to be happy again.  But for my sister Christine right now, I'm still so pissed off that I'm only 34 years old and I have to live the rest of my life without her.  We were going to grow up old ladies together and make fun of our folks like we always do.

I'm pissed that now she's a memory and the pictures of her is all that I have.  She's no longer present.  I can't call and talk to her.  I can't hear her voice and I don't have a big Sister to boss me around anymore.  This part has been hell for me but I'm working on trying to find that silver lining again to creating my life again.