Here comes the hard part

I'm exactly 2 weeks and 6 days out from my Bikini Fitness Competition and Golly Gee has the hard part began! I'm counting down the days when I can eat normal again.  I feel like my curves are shrinking and I'm starting to resemble the old me back in my mid twenties when I had an eating disorder.  I know my days of being skinny and unhealthy are over but to look in the Mirror and see what seems like my hard work wasting away to resemble the old me returning sure makes me think twice about how far I've grown for the better.  Thats a rewarding feeling that I'm proud about.

At first, getting ready for a competition isn't so bad.  Just cook your meals and stay on your workouts and you'll be fine.  But if you have every tried eating natural sugar and then BAM completely stay away from white sugar completley, you really feel the cleansing process creep up after a few weeks.  Your body and mind start looking for alternative ways to create excitable habits that white sugar used to give you.  For me, the feelings of happiness, pleasure, love, joy just to name a few are emotions that would be triggered when I would eat sweets.  Funny, I've been shopping more that ever and I think it's from the excitable feelings that I was so used to find that sugar would give me these emotions and it's so sad that I'm searching for those feelings again like I'm a lost puppy.  But I know it's only limited before I can have my freedom back and be delighted about eating sugar as a treat and not being so controlled over sugar.

I call these my "Comforting Addictions" that I've had since I was a child.  Eating sugar, I never really saw it as a problem until my nickname was "TV Sugar Davis".  At first I never payed too much attention to my addiction to sugar but now I am really catching up on all of my codependency tendencies that I am taking more control of.  My addictions to sugar, coffee, shopping, materialism to stuff to just name a few (trust me, the list is longer than I presumed it to be) but I'm always aware that I have the power to control my emotions.  I hold the remote controller to push my directions and yes I have been self destructive sometimes and needed to pull my emergency brake.

The look, smell, touch and tasting of sweet foods is such a pleasure seeker that we never seem to rid is as a bad thing since it has such good benefits.  And try to take it away, you'll see the sadness, depression and anger start to slowly creep it's way into your head.  The low energy makes me have to drink coffee 24/7 and times that are hard to focus and remember get more serious which is kinda scary.  As long as there is an end to this journey and I know it's coming up then I'm OK with this temporary handicapped feeling.

It's been easy to handle so far getting ready for this competition but now it's the "I look really skinny" party and avoiding going out, eating with friends and being social is the part I hate the most.  I want to dress up and have fun and stay up late but my body won't have it.  I find myself curled in bed in my pajamas watching Netflix by 8:30pm and that's fine because my doggies enjoy the snuggles but I'm so HANGRY!  Thats angry and hungry put together.

So I'm going to do this and I'm going to get through this with winning colors.  Everyday I'm learning more and more about myself and it has been fun and worth the entire experience.