Nobody is Looking

Today I posted this pic making people know that even though I train and workout everyday that I'm still human and have issues.  This pic was taken 2 days ago by my good friend and Photographer Christian Purdie.

Now, when I first saw this photo, the old me came back and tried to punish me.  "All this hard work and you still have cellulite!"  But then the new me sprung into action and motivated me to push away any self hatred critic in me and ignore all the bullshit that was starting to stir up in my head.  Were my self defeating habits trying to ruining my day?  I don't think so!  But, This is when I knew having supportive friends around me made the entire difference between how I reacted and then how I decided to truly love my body.  

While at Vickie's Diner over coffee after the photo shoot, Christian told me to create a mantra.  "What's a Manta?"  I said.  He said, its when you create a definition or a saying of who you are until it comes true.  My mantra is Wonder Woman then!  

I love to do freelance modeling from time to time just to wear funky new flared fashion, try  new makeup trends and show myself in a whole new artistic way.  But since my body has now transformed into Sports Modeling, I now enjoy providing advertising photos for companies who sponsor me with products that I incorporate in my lifestyle.  Now my self expressions have blossomed showing more confidence and I radiate smiles without me trying to chase the skinny girl look.  I always use to model not showing my backside before because I used to be so jaded of knowing that my esteem would be giving me a good thrashing if I saw the pictures.  But now I really don't give a fuck anymore.  Strength is Beautiful and I am who I am.

It's not like anyone really notices my flaws besides me anyways but in modern society this vain culture would define my look to be unattractive and fat.  It's not me who wrote these standards but it is up to me to face my reality.  How I choose to value, respect and treat myself for the rest of my life will stay in my core.  How you love yourself actually radiates in your cells and people can sense how you reflect yourself to the world it in less than 2 seconds.

Nobody is looking and nobody really cares anyways that much about your flaws but marketing ads know that were all insecure to a degree and that they use this method to cash in on our insecurities.  Wear their product and you'll feel better about yourself because you'll look like that model in the magazine right?  Sorry but it's all mind fuck game.  Honestly I now look at my flaws like delicate reminders of how fragile I used to be.  One day I'm going to look back at all of my past insecurities and laugh at how many years I wasted wanting the wrong attention from the wrong people.  I'm going to realize that being warped into societies vain manipulating games trying to fit in with everyone and be perfect is absolutely impossible.  From the beginning, I should have given myself enough credit around my strengths and ignored the rest.  But I'm not perfect and I know that but I can still grow from within.  And even though I try my best to do that, it is refreshing to know that being honest with myself first and acknowledging that I am not perfect and somethings cannot change is be the biggest gift of all for myself to love myself completely.  

So from now on, I'll be easy going to my beautiful backside!  I mean seriously, if you can't be a smart ass you might as well love your whole ass right?